And I Say Unto Ya'll, Here Goes

I am tired of being fat. I weigh 324 lbs. and it is not "baby fat". I get depressed and can be a whiner. I am disorganized and messy. My wardrobe is rarely very fashionable and I can be a hypocrite. I am a chicken-shit but talk a big game. I am also a pretty good friend, fairly intelligent, riddled with good humour and look for the best in people. Animals, kids, nerds and revolutionaries like me --- can't be all bad then, eh?

My job introduces me to many of the most common of psychiatric issues traipsing about town. Chemical dependency, schizophrenia, major depression, non-specific psychosis and every personality disorder the DSM-IV TR describes. Mostly poor or middle class men and women of all races and backgrounds (except for rich--they go to posh places), they come in detoxing or filthy, many without reliable assistance or support in the outside world. They are nearly wholly dependent on the care we give them. This is teaching me that empathy and sympathy are two separate words with a very fine line between them and that I can't "fix" these problems. The extremes and everything in between really challenges how you view yourself. I can see how easy it would be to be one of those people detoxing from opiates or alcohol used to self-medicate...to check out. I am usually neither quick nor cruel in my judgments of people and this experience has broadened that even further. People tend to trust me and like me and I do the same. I am a-OK. Or so I say.

The self-loathing and sometimes toxic relationships in my life have been overwhelming me lately. Too much laughing and smiling on the outside and numbness or straight out misery on the inside. I want to change this, to be more honest with myself and not flinch away from the truth -- be it positive or negative. Admittedly, the negative is easier to take. I have a running commentary of all of my faults. I react in extremes when getting outside criticisms: self-effacing one-upmanship or outraged defensiveness. I seem to hear "You suck at everything" or "I am better than you" when people, even the ones who love me, offer their opinions and, less frequently, advice. I know it drives my friend Jeff and my mother nuts, since I tend to react more strongly to them. I hear so much negativity in my head that it seeps out in complaining about things or avoiding them altogether. Conversely, I repress perfectly reasonable opinions and feelings because I fear how they will be received. I am afraid I will alienate my friends and that I will "lose" them. It is embarrassing to reread that. I feel absurd admitting how much fear seems to rule my life. But I need to. Inertia is crushing my dreams and maybe even shortening my life.

So, this blog is an honest attempt to keep track of the truth, lies, half-truths and bullshit that will doubtlessly enlighten and plague my attempts to reach some sort of personal equilibrium. So, feel free to comment to your hearts content. I am just trying to figure myself out and, maybe, get some support, reality checks and laughs along the way.